A Time Of Sadness
“For life and death are one, even as the river and the sea are one.” Khalil Gibran
There is no life lived without the prospect of end, no person born who will not die. As humans we all know this inherently, but even with the richness of this knowledge and the millions of years over which it has been proven, death never comes easy.
My mother died on Sunday and it hit me like a brick.
We were at the lighthouse starting our shift when I got the call. I had talked to her the day before and although she was feeble (her health, especially the last few years was never good), she seemed in decent spirits. Sometime that night her soul decided it was time and left. She died at home, in her bed after a day of sun surrounded by the garden she loved so much and the blue sky. There was no prolonged hospital stay, no undue suffering, so honestly the death was about as good as it comes. Freed of her earthly body and its physical struggles, I’m sure she is dancing free and happy in her spirit form. I believe the thread continues so there is really no end, just a transition from one form to another. The burdens of our human lives are left behind, as are our family, but we eventually get re-united in spirit at the end. At least that’s what I’ve always felt to be true.
But I’m still incredibly sad, much more so than I ever imagined and I’ve been a mess (on and off) for the past 2 days.
I’m flying back to France this week-end for the final arrangements. Since my travel is last-minute it’s been a struggle to find reasonable flights, but after 2 days of work I’ve managed to put together a plan. It’s going to take me a grueling 4 stops and ~30 hours to get door-to-door, but I’ll be there. My brother and sister are attending too, so we’ll all be together. The host coordinator here at Cape Disappointment (Steve) has also been incredibly supportive, not only covering our shift the day I found out, but allowing Paul to stay & volunteer solo while I fly home. So, on the practical side at least, I’ve been incredibly lucky and everything is taken care of.
The emotional side is a completely different story.
I’m honestly not sure how to write about this and remain true to all the complexity of emotions that my mother’s death brings to me. I may never be ready to write about it. These are incredibly difficult feelings for me, made more so by the many years of depression I experienced in my youth, and there is enough sadness in the world already. Everyone has struggles, everyone has darkness. It’s partly why I focus on the light in my blog and in my life. I struggled so long to find it, so I work extra hard to keep it and spread it as far as I can in the world. Joy is self-fulfilling just as depression can be, which is why I’m really no good at writing about the dark stuff.
So, for the time being I am letting the blog go dark as I process through these things. I expect I’ll be back soon, and I may be inspired to write while I’m in France (over the next two weeks), but at the moment I can make no guarantees. I hope to find some closure with my family and I know nature (as she always does) will eventually heal me. One thing is for sure. Life will always be different from now on.